Last night was reminiscent of the night before the first day of school. Blaine and I made sure clothes were laid out, the diaper bag was full of all the necessary supplies and we went to bed as early as our little boy would allow, knowing tomorrow would be a big day with an early start.
And we were right, 5:30am to be exact. Not because Kash woke us up, but because I now need a full two hours to get ready for work (and after the first run today found out that it would be helpful to make that about 2 and 1/2 hrs).
I groggily got myself outta bed, only hitting the snooze button once, a big accomplishment for me. I expected to be overwhelmed with emotions as soon as my feet hit the ground but at this point I was too tired to deal with my emotions. I started to put my make-up on...and the emotions started to show their face. I usually have my little man by my side, contently sitting in his bouncer watching me get ready for the day. Today all the lights were off and the house was quiet as my boys still slept. I finished getting ready and then I went in to wake Kash up to feed him before I left for work. In the previous six weeks this never happened, I encouraged our little boy to sleep in as long as he wanted! As I walked in to his nursery and said good morning I had a flash forward to what early morning seminary will be like as Kash stretched his arms out, grunted and looked at me through little slants in his eyes as if to say, "Oh mom just a few more minutes of sleep!"
The rest of the morning was rushed but not too rushed to block out the feelings of guilt, sadness and almost failure as a new mom as I got my little boy ready. He was looking his best for a fun filled day with grandma. Blaine put him in his car seat and Kash was all smiles, at least one of us was ready for our new adventure. But as soon as I saw that smile I lost it. I loved our mornings together, this is when he is the happiest. We would sing songs, read books, exchange smiles and just talk about nothing all morning long. I looked forward to this time everyday.
My mom had text me this morning saying to call her when I could, knowing today would be hard for me. I took her up on that offer on my way into work to distract myself from crying. She gave me a good pep talk and I felt like I could face the day. Then I came into work and my friend had decorated my desk and greeted me first thing. Followed by other coworkers saying how much they missed me. This helped a ton and made me feel way better
They even made me homemade chocolate chip cookies!!!
So all in all what was to be the worst day of my life has only been a kind of the worst day of my life. It's amazing how much I've grown to love our new baby and miss him when I'm not with him. He is so awesome and while today I felt kinda empty I know he's in the best hands ever and probably doesn't even realize I'm gone.
Thanks to all those who helped me get through today. Especially Blaine-you've been so awesome dealing with my emotional roller coaster, I couldn't do it without you! Here's to hoping each day will get easier and easier!
Sorry Kash is all I blog about these days, he's kinda stolen my heart and consumed my life!