My world as I knew it has changed. I've forgotten what it's like to not feel tired. It takes about 20 minutes of prep time just to go to the grocery store. The skin on my stomach looks like...well lets just say it's sick! Bills, bills and more bills! I've turned into a dairy cow. I've become really good and cooking dinner, doing my make-up and cleaning all with one hand. My lunch breaks are no longer mine as they are devoted to pumping. I now worry non stop about a little man that I've only known for 3 months. But I wouldn't change a thing!
When I stop and think about being a mom it overwhelms me. I used to dream of the day when I would become a mother. But it's so much different than I ever thought it would be. It's one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs I've ever had. It's hard to put into words the emotions of being a mother. I don't know if it's because I'm now perma-tired and that makes me more emotional,but any time of the day my eyes will well up with tears at the thought and responsibility of being a mom to my perfect little boy. I love him so much and can't even imagine my life without him. I can be having the worst day ever and come home to my little boy looking up at me with his big eyes, he will smile at me and I will forget whatever I was previously upset about. It's amazing how much love I have for him, more than I ever thought was possible. But with such great love comes fear of not being the perfect mom and giving him everything he deserves.
I was feeling guilty for not being the perfect mom a few weeks ago. My best friend emailed me this quote:
This is my favorite picture of Kash and I. It was the first night we had brought him home from the hospital. I had just finished feeding him and was getting up to put him back in his crib and next thing I knew I was waking up to the flash of Blaine's camera as he captured this moment.