Saturday, May 8, 2010

motherhood

My world as I knew it has changed.  I've forgotten what it's like to not feel tired.  It takes about 20 minutes of prep time just to go to the grocery store.  The skin on my stomach looks like...well lets just say it's sick!  Bills, bills and more bills!  I've turned into a dairy cow.  I've become really good and cooking dinner, doing my make-up and cleaning all with one hand.  My lunch breaks are no longer mine as they are devoted to pumping.  I now worry non stop about a little man that I've only known for 3 months.  But I wouldn't change a thing!

When I stop and think about being a mom it overwhelms me.  I used to dream of the day when I would become a mother.  But it's so much different than I ever thought it would be.  It's one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs I've ever had.  It's hard to put into words the emotions of being a mother.  I don't know if it's because I'm now perma-tired and that makes me more emotional,but any time of the day my eyes will well up with tears at the thought and responsibility of being a mom to my perfect little boy.  I love him so much and can't even imagine my life without him.  I can be having the worst day ever and come home to my little boy looking up at me with his big eyes, he will smile at me and I will forget whatever I was previously upset about.  It's amazing how much love I have for him, more than I ever thought was possible.  But with such great love comes fear of not being the perfect mom and giving him everything he deserves. 

I was feeling guilty for not being the perfect mom a few weeks ago. My best friend emailed me this quote:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."  “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10 Elder M. Russell Ballard

I do love Kash with all my heart, him and Blaine are my first priority and according to Elder Ballard that's all that matters! So tomorrow, on my first mother's day as a mama,  I will be proud to be a daughter of God.  Proud that He has trusted me to take care of one of his children.  Proud to be a wife and have a husband that helps me to be the best mom I can be. Grateful for all the women in my life that have been great examples of strong mothers.  And grateful for my little family that makes me smile each and every day.

I'm just starting out on this journey of motherhood and I have sooo much to learn. But I hope I can give Kash and my future children a home full of love and stability.  I want my kids to feel like home is a place that they can escape from the worries of the world.  I hope I can be a good example.  I hope my children know that I will always love them and will be there for them no matter what.  

I love being a mom.  There hasn't been one day in the past three and half months that I have thought, wow it would be nice if my life could go back to the way it used to be.  Sure there are hard days,  but every single day my little boy makes me happier than I can even explain...it's a happiness that only parents get to experience, and I'm finally part of that club! 

Happy Mother's Day!  

This is my favorite picture of Kash and I.  It was the first night we had brought him home from the hospital.  I had just finished feeding him and was getting up to put him back in his crib and next thing I knew I was waking up to the flash of Blaine's camera as he captured this moment. 

2 comments:

Bryan + Juli said...

What a sweet post! I admire so much your dedication to your little family and love you more as a friend for the example you are! Happy Mother's Day!!! :)

Hillfivesome said...

What a beautiful post. Your little man is so adorable. What a great mom you are. Keep up the good work.