Tuesday, February 28, 2012

stay at home mom: part I, I quit

In the beginning of January I woke up one day and felt like that was the day I was going to quit my job.  And while that statement seems a little rash, there were definitely many conversations between Blaine and I, budget reviews and months of prayers (maybe years?) to get to this point.  We had just never set a date so to speak. But that morning something gave me the strength to do what we've wanted to do for months.

I told Blaine that morning as I was getting ready for work that I really thought I should quit my job that day.  He said, "ok."  Well if I knew it was going to be that easy I would have done it a long time a go! ha  I was so nervous and wasn't really sure if he really was ok with it.  I called him as I was about to walk into work and asked him if he was sure that we should do this.  He told me that he didn't ever think there would be a perfect time but that we needed to just take a leap of faith and make it work...and that I needed to stop spending so much money at Target.  Yeah I needed to stop spending so much money at a lot of places if we were going to make this work!

So I walked into work and told my boss that I was putting in my notice.  I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.  For two years I have wanted to do this and it happened just like that.  

The next few weeks were hard, way harder than I ever imagined them to be.  I gave my work almost five weeks notice to try and help them as much as I could with the transition but it almost seemed like too much time.  I had been at MHCD for the last four years.  It was my first and only job since moving to Colorado and while it was hard to work there for many different reasons, that job and those people definitely defined a small part of my life here in Colorado.  It also became extremely stressful for both Blaine and I to think about living off of one income.  We, like any other family, became accustomed to spending the money I was earning.  There were many days that I felt like I should tell my boss, "Oh just kidding I'm actually staying!"  But then I would think of Kash.  I would think about how we tried for so long to have a baby and now instead of my days being spent with him I was stuck at work in a job that didn't really use any of my talents or skills fully.  I would think about how he was almost two and I felt like I was missing his every day life.  I would think about how I would come home too tired to cook, clean or play with Kash.  And that is what motivated me to continue to let my five weeks run out at work until I would be a stay at home mom.  

The last few days were the hardest. I had lunches with good friends, flowers, balloons and gifts were brought.   And tons of kind words.  I actually can't believe how many people sent emails or made it a point to come tell me in person that what I was doing was absolutely the best thing I could do right now in my life.  I was shocked.  I worked in a very liberal company and didn't think that anyone there would fully understand why I would give up my job in this economy "just" to stay at home with my child.  But a lot of women told me they did the same thing many years ago and they didn't regret it for one minute!  This was the boost I needed!

I said my goodbyes, cleaned my desk and turned in my keys.  I always pictured myself on my last day ecstatic and flashing the peace sign and running out of the doors with the biggest smile on my face.  But instead I had tears down my face and sadness in my heart as one of my favorite doctors walked me to my car.  I'm not at ALL good at goodbyes, but I seriously didn't think I was going to cry!  But I did and that was it.  I was jobless, such a weird feeling.  I've had a job consistently (minus my freshmen year of college) since I was 16.  I just remember thinking, I hope we made the right decision.

Then the next day I woke up to the sound of Kash talking in his crib instead of my alarm.  Blaine was already at work.  Kash and I had breakfast together (opposed to me eating cereal as I drove to work and him eating at grandma's house).  I showered and put on jeans instead of dress pants.  Kash and I went to play group.  It was still a little surreal that this is what my days would be filled with.  As scared as I was it was a dream come true! 


Marques said...

Very nice post, Erica. Thanks for sharing. :)

SassAFrass said...

aww I love it so much. I know Kash will love having you home with him finally! I wish we lived in the same town so we could do play dates together!

SassAFrass said...

aww I love it so much. I know Kash will love having you home with him finally! I wish we lived in the same town so we could do play dates together!

Quinn and Linds said...

I love this post Erica, I actually teared up...Kash is going to love spending all his time with his amazing mommy.

The McLane Blog Page: said...

awesome!!! Kash and baby #2 are going to love having you around all the time to play with them!!! so lucky!!!