I think Kash was feeling the effects of my emotional roller coaster the most. There has definitely been a disconnect and a distance between Kash and I that wasn't there before Nixon came. I hesitated to even write about this. I don't want Kash to look back and read this and ever resent his brother or think that I loved him any less because I had a second baby, because that's simply not true--things just changed. But this blog has always been about documenting our family and this is what our family dynamic has been since September. So I felt it only fair to document the good, the bad and the ugly.
I've been so focused on meeting everyone's basic needs that I forgot to connect with Kash. I'm sure a lot of moms feel this way as they try to meet all of life's demands on little sleep and a healing body. Anyway, I've had the mom guilt for awhile now but just kept pushing through the days until we got more into a routine and things felt normal again. Luckily Blaine has been awesome with Kash. And Kash adores his dad and loves the one on one time he's got to spend with him lately.
I think they are finally normal. Nixon is taking longer naps and getting into his own routine and this has allowed Kash and I to connect again. We've found time to simply play and interact together instead of just being in the same room with each other.
A blessing in disguised occurred the other day as well that helped me connect with Kash again. My sister-in-law usually takes all of our family pictures and the kid's yearly pictures. But she's been very sick lately so I decided to just snap a few and prayed that at least one was good enough to send to our family and friends. Nixon was sleeping so it was just Kash and I, a date of sorts. Just my Bubs and I. We were laughing and playing in the snow, he was smiling for the camera and chasing me around. He so happy to have my complete and undivided attention. And his 3 little years of life flashed before my eyes and I had so much love for my sweet boy during this impromptu photo shoot I missed our times together and vowed to make more time for just Kash and I.
I want him to always know how much I love him. And I'm sure he'll never remember the time when his brother was born and we at PB&J for dinner (more times than I'd like to admit), I yelled more, I slept more, he watched TV instead of me doing educational activities with him and he ate more junk than ever before. Okay, maybe Kash has enjoyed the last few months but I've felt like I failed him. But looking back I think it's all part of being part of a family. You change, you sacrifice, there are good memories and bad ones but we all love each other and help each other to grow.
Here's to more dates with my Bubs and growing as a mom.
|Kash and I February 2011|