brothers.

I quickly tried to capture this moment.  I thought I was too late but looking through my phone I saw that I captured enough of it to still make me smile. 

It was a Saturday at Costco. People everywhere nudging their way to a free bite of sausage on a pretzel stick.  Kash was yanking on my necklace complaining that he was thirsty. Nixon had fallen asleep in the car and wasn't super excited to be awake. It was hot and I was unfortunately crabby.

Pushing my giant cart through the crowded isles I looked down and witnessed one of my favorite moments as a mother so far. Nixon reached up and put his tiny little hand on Kash's back and leaned his head on his brother's shoulder.  Usually Kash would scream that Nixon was touching him but on this day he embraced him back. I stopped pushing and darn near cried.  I couldn't stop hugging and kissing them both and getting in on the love-fest.  Once I finally resumed my shopping I realized a guy in front of me had been watching the whole thing, I was somewhat embarrassed about my over-gushing-mom-moment. But we exchanged smiles and I could tell he had had his share of  "dad moments" as well.

Being an only child I had big dreams of one day having multiple kids and they would be the best of friends, period.  It never once crossed my mind that this best friendship wouldn't happen immediately. In my dream world 3 year olds aren't jealous, they love babies, always want to share and play with their siblings. It's been a tad bit hard for me to watch Kash not immediately have all of these desires for his brother.

When Nix was born Kash wanted nothing to do with him. Nixon started to sit up and Kash would sometimes talk to him but was mostly annoyed with him still. Then Nixon started to crawl and Kash saw this as an opportunity to boss Nixon around as much as possible, "no, no Mix!!!", "Get out of my room Mix!!", "MOMMM Mixon has my toy!!!"

This isn't to say Kash doesn't love Nixon, he does.  When he's not around he always asks where he is.  If he gets hurt he makes sure he's ok and he's very protective of him when it comes to other people holding or "hurting" his brother.  He just doesn't want to kiss him, talk to him or play with him like I dreamed.  So when I looked down at my cart and saw these brothers sharing an embrace my heart melted.  It was the boost in motherhood that I needed, hope that one day these two WOULD be best friends.

I've really grown to love my boys for their differences.  I always dreamed of a life with little girls and pigtails running around my house.  Now I have two boys who hug it out in Costco and I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's the little things in life.

the favorite pal in the house

In our house there aren't friends there are pals.  Kash's ranking is that I'm his pal but Dad is his favorite pal.

From the minute Blaine leaves for work till he walks through the door at the end of the day I get to hear, "I miss Dad.  I love Dad.  Can I go to work with Dad?  I wish Dad was here to play with me!!"  There is no doubt that Kash idolizes his dad!  And for good reason, Blaine really is the best dad I know!  Yes, I'm sure all wives think this of their husbands.  But Blaine really is the best dad for our family.

Growing up my dad wasn't around much.  I never had a great example of what a good dad should be.  But I knew that I wanted my kids to know what it was like to have a good dad.  I always knew that Blaine would love and protect our children no matter what, even when we were dating I felt this way.  It was a huge reason I felt like he was the one I should marry.  And now having two kids I can see that my "feelings" were right!

As much as Kash adores Blaine, Blaine equally loves Kash!  Blaine is always the parent that includes Kash in everything he's doing...mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, household projects, etc.  He's always there to play sports and games with Kash.  He has patience and unconditional love for Kash.  He supports him and encourages him to be the best he can be.  I honestly used to be jealous of their relationship.  Blaine has a bond with Kash that I simply will never have.  But  I recently realized my role is just different in Kash's life and I'm soooo grateful that he has an amazing role model like Blaine.

Blaine does have another son, his name is Nixon.  And while Nix is a mama's boy he loves his dad!!!  As soon as Blaine gets home from work Nix starts squealing with excitement that Dad is home.  He won't take his eyes off Blaine for a good five minutes.  And I'm sure as soon as Nixon is old enough to play baseball Dad will be his "favorite pal".

____________________________________________________________________

Thank you Blaine for being an amazing dad!  Thank you for being my partner in raising our amazing boys.  I could never, ever do this alone and wouldn't want to.

You are not kind of dad that just "provides" for the family and thinks your job is done.  You are the dad that is involved in every detail of your kids' lives.  You are at the soccer games and swim lessons. You make it home in time to eat with your family despite the piles of work you leave on your desk.  You are the one who tucks Kash in at night and reads the bedtime stories.  You are the kind of dad that plays with your kids every second you are home.  The dad who teaches what bunting and walk off home runs mean. You make my job as a mom a lot easier.

source

I'm so grateful our boys have you as an honest, hardworking, worthy priesthood holder to look up to.

I love you and so do our boys!

Happy Father's Day

mother's day photoshoot

For Mother's Day I thought my mom would enjoy some pictures of the boys and I so I had my photographer friend Brooke come to our house and take a few candid pictures of us.  Sorry for the picture overload, I just can't get enough of these natural shots of my boy...there are actually a ton more but I'm sure I'll find ways to incorporate them into all of my posts! :)

Mother's Day//babies don't keep

Mother's Day is slowly becoming one of my favorite days.  I love the sappy commercials of moms and their kids. I love reflecting on what being a mom means to me.  I love thinking about my own mom and sacrifices she made for me in the name of love.  So I went back and read my Mother's Day posts from the past--when motherhood meant being a mom to just Kash. I seemed so naive to what motherhood really entailed.  I pretty much had a perfect baby, I only had one baby and I really didn't know what other moms were complaining about when they said the "needed a break".  I honestly NEVER wanted a break from Kash.

Life with two children has changed my perspective (insert moms laughing around the world).  Every thing is different now.  For one, I can't give all my attention to the current baby of the house like I did with my first.  I'm at home with them 24/7 with hardly any breaks. Kash is now a typical three year old and not as "perfect" as he once was :).  I'm trying to balance working from home, being a mom of two boys, church, being a wife, etc. more than I ever felt before.  I often feel like one more tantrum, sleepless night, runny nose, asking for a snack every 5 minutes is going to throw me over the edge!!!  I now know how those moms who needed a break feel!  

I often find myself just getting through the day instead of enjoying what the day has to offer me.  I've vowed on this blog before to be a better mom, to slow down and enjoy life and the present but it's so hard to lose site of what's important and get caught up in the day to day craziness of little kids. 

Then my friend sent me this quote:

You see I have this fear of my children growing up.  Lame considering it's inevitable, but true none the less.  I hate the thought of them not wanting to be by my side anymore, not being able to fix all of their problems or them going out into the world all on their own.  This quote was just the reminder I needed to enjoy these moments, these baby and toddler years because they will be gone before I know it...and then I will miss them.  I prayed for these babies with all my heart for years and now I have them, I need to appreciate the gift they are and enjoy the time I have with them.  Even the crazy, pull your hair out moments.

So here I am again wanting to be a better mom.  To have more patience and find the humor and joy in the things these boys of mine do to drive me crazy.  I'm proud to be a mom. I'm proud to be their mom. What a sacred honor.

I love you Kash and Nixon!

This video is a quick one thrown together with crappy low res clips from my phone. Nothing fancy (who has time for that), I just love the song and these clips are our day to day moments that make up our life right now.  I treasure them. 

pep talk

A couple of Sundays ago I spoke in church about the plan of salvation aka the plan of happiness.  My talk reviewed our purpose here on Earth and how even though things can be hard at times we all agreed to come here and it will be worth it in the end.

I also shared a story how lately when I ask Kash to do something and he often responds with, "I can't Mom it's too hard," which I reply, "you can do hard things!"  I just threw this story in my talk at the last minute (Sunday morning to be exact) but it seemed to be the take away message.  I can't believe how many people said that "we can do hard things" really resonated with them.  Even Kash's ultra competitive friend told her mom that Kash can't do hard things but she can...at least she was listening haha!

Now, I've said this before--I'm just a mom who has no idea what I'm doing--but I do know I want my boys to be thoughtful, kind and above all hard working men.  I feel like it took me a long time to realize that I can do hard things.  That this life isn't supposed to be easy, we are supposed to be tried and tested and come out better people from the trials we face.  This is why I have started to tell Kash he can do hard things.  When he is on his own and it's so much easier to give up than face the obstacles in front of him, I want him to remember that he can do hard things.  I know it might be a long shot, but for now I'm drilling this into his brain.

So around our house these days that's our motto.  And every time I say it to Kash it's also a reminder to myself that I CAN DO HARD THINGS too.

And along the lines of pep talks have you seen this video?  Obviously his message is scripted, but either way this kid puts his own flare on it and makes it awesome.  I wish he was my friend, we both love Space Jam and rolling our eyes.

i'm back

Since Nixon was born it felt like my life has been turned upside down.  He was born in September and shortly after that the holidays came, Kash's birthday and party, I received an additional calling at church and then February was just a crappy month for us.

So here we are in March and I'm back! The last six months have been hard on me.  I struggled to find my groove as a mom of two.  I know that sounds silly, but it was a lot harder for me than I thought and not in the way I thought it would be.  The hardest part has been to find my patience as a mother.  I always wanted my home to a peaceful place, a haven from the world.  But it wasn't. The last six months I found myself yelling at Kash and losing my temper more than I'd like to admit.  After each tantrum of his followed by my own I would feel so guilty for yelling at him like I did.  But lack of sleep, the demands of church and work, taking care of Nixon...it all took it's toll on me and yelling was the only way I was willing to cope with it all.  I knew I was a better mom than that.  I knew Kash deserved better.  

I know yelling doesn't seem like a big deal but it was.  I was never a "yeller" before and actually took pride in not yelling at Kash.  But now I was and I needed to stop. I prayed for strength to be a better mom. I prayed for patience and guidance.  I prayed that Blaine would be able to comfort me and he did.  Together we've worked so hard to make our home a peaceful place. I'm not perfect but I can say the last few week as I've tried to yell less I've noticed a calmness in our house, and shocker, Kash has behaved so much better.  I actually lost my temper a week ago and Kash suggested we say a prayer so we wouldn't be mad at each other anymore.  Well if that doesn't make me want to stop yelling (and bawl my eyes out) I don't know what would! 

I know the way I talk to Kash affects him greatly.  Now anytime I start to get frustrated I think of this quote from David O. McKay, "There should be no yelling in the home unless there is a fire."  So true.  I plan on hanging this in my home as a constant reminder. 

(you can download this 8 x 11.5 print here)

I've gotten back to being a more confident and happy mom, I'm feeling more organize in my work and calling, and I've prioritized the things that are important.  One of them being this blog.  I've said it many times but this blog is a way to document my kids' lives and seems to be the only method that I actually stick to. I'm grateful for that because I often look back on my posts and have already forgotten many of the details that I had documented.  I'm hoping I can stay on a roll and get back into blogging.  And in true Erica style if I'm going to do something it has to be pretty so I gave the little ol' blog yet another face lift.  

a date of sorts

I know this blog has turned into posts of holidays and Nixon's monthly updates.  Which is what the last few months have actually felt like on a day to day basis.  We've been busy with cookie parties, play dates, "preschool", family get togethers, holiday activities, etc.  And along with everyone else I got a little stressed out as we rushed here and there only to have a blowout, spitting up, a two year old screaming "I WANT A TREAT!!!!!" slow us down.  I've been a little crabby the last few months to say the least.  Turns out having two kids is hard sometimes, who knew.  Oh everyone who has more than one kid?  Okay.

I think Kash was feeling the effects of my emotional roller coaster the most.  There has definitely been a disconnect and a distance between Kash and I that wasn't there before Nixon came.  I hesitated to even write about this.  I don't want Kash to look back and read this and ever resent his brother or think that I loved him any less because I had a second baby, because that's simply not true--things just changed.  But this blog has always been about documenting our family and this is what our family dynamic has been since September.  So I felt it only fair to document the good, the bad and the ugly.

I've been so focused on meeting everyone's basic needs that I forgot to connect with Kash.  I'm sure a lot of moms feel this way as they try to meet all of life's demands on little sleep and a healing body.  Anyway, I've had the mom guilt for awhile now but just kept pushing through the days until we got more into a routine and things felt normal again. Luckily Blaine has been awesome with Kash. And Kash adores his dad and loves the one on one time he's got to spend with him lately.

I think they are finally normal.  Nixon is taking longer naps and getting into his own routine and this has allowed Kash and I to connect again.  We've found time to simply play and interact together instead of just being in the same room with each other.  

A blessing in disguised occurred the other day as well that helped me connect with Kash again.  My sister-in-law usually takes all of our family pictures and the kid's yearly pictures.  But she's been very sick lately so I decided to just snap a few and prayed that at least one was good enough to send to our family and friends.  Nixon was sleeping so it was just Kash and I, a date of sorts.  Just my Bubs and I.  We were laughing and playing in the snow, he was smiling for the camera and chasing me around.  He so happy to have my complete and undivided attention.  And his 3 little years of life flashed before my eyes and I had so much love for my sweet boy during this impromptu photo shoot   I missed our times together and vowed to make more time for just Kash and I.

I want him to always know how much I love him.  And I'm sure he'll never remember the time when his brother was born and we at PB&J for dinner (more times than I'd like to admit), I yelled more, I slept more, he watched TV instead of me doing educational activities with him and he ate more junk than ever before.  Okay, maybe Kash has enjoyed the last few months but I've felt like I failed him.  But looking back I think it's all part of being part of a family.  You change, you sacrifice, there are good memories and bad ones but we all love each other and help each other to grow. 

Here's to more dates with my Bubs and growing as a mom. 

 Kash and I February 2011

quick update

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since Nixon was born, I sorta feel bad about it.  When I got pregnant with our second baby everyone told me, "you'll take less pictures" "his life will be less documented", and I made a personal goal not to let that happen!  So I have been documenting our sweet second baby's life...I just haven't had time to write about it.  Which I need to do a better job of because it seems if I don't write things down on this blog they don't get documented anywhere and eventually they leave my mind for good (I'm horrible at remembering things!).

So here's our life the last 3 weeks according to my phone (I need to do a better job of actually pulling my camera out).  If you follow me on Instagram I apologize for the repeats.

I have a lot to say about being a mother of two--like how my world has completely changed, how I feel like my 2 year old hates me most days, how my heart really did find room for our sweet newborn, how most days I don't do my hair but I do shower and that's an accomplishment for me or how some days being a mom of two boys is the best thing in the world.  But as you can see each one of those topics could use it's own post and Kash is about to wake up from his nap any minute now so those too will have to wait...like the dirty dishes in my sink.  I feel like I'm starting to get into somewhat of a routine and hopefully can get back to blogging more regularly soon.

There have definitely been ups and downs the past 3 weeks but I wouldn't change a thing. I love this time in my life that I get to learn (a lot about myself) and grow and that I have the opportunity to be a mom, the thing I always wanted to be when I grew up!

potty training

I asked Kash to stand tall.  So he climbed on the toilet and gave me this pose haha.  I suppose this celebratory pose is appropriate for this post. 

As a new mom you never know when the "right" time to do things are.  I mean sure you'll get lots of free (wanted or unwanted) advice and the books, internet and your neighbor will all tell you what the perfect time is but it's hard to know what's best for your child and your family.  

So it was when the topic of potty training came up in our house.  I felt like Kash was ready, some books, blogs and friends told me he could possibly be ready.  But sadly the first go around, he wasn't or I wasn't...who knows!  I think he was about 21 months old when he started recognizing going in his diaper and talking about the toilet and going in there.  Seemed like good signs to me.  I took a week off work, bought the training underpants, the best potty seats, read all the potty training tips I could and prepared to lock myself in the house for the next 7 days until my kid peed in the toilet.  At first things were great.  Sure, he had his accidents but the first few days things looked promising.  But as the week progressed Kash regressed.  He seemed to have no interest in it at all by the end of the week, everything I would say to him would go through one ear and out the other.  It was probably the most frustrating situation I've ever had with him thus far.  

Since I was still working I sent him back to grandma's letting her know our success rate and hoped that it would get better over time.  But it didn't, things got worse and between the pressures of working, the holidays, feeling guilty that Blaine's mom had to deal with all of this and trying to decide when I would quit my job it was all too much. I just knew that Kash wasn't really ready and this wasn't the "right" time. 

We took a break.  I felt pretty defeated as a parent.  I cried.  I swore I would stick with it until it worked and wouldn't be one of those parents to put him back in diapers after trying underwear, but I knew that's what was best for Kash and we weren't getting anywhere.  But we didn't give up completely.  Kash was very aware of when he needed to go poop and I was a stickler on him no longer going in his diaper.  This took lots of bribing--stickers, candy, charts, prizes, etc. (Matchbox cars finally did the trick). That was one step backwards I wasn't willing to take.  After many battles Kash finally got the hang of it. 

About a month after Kash's 2nd birthday Blaine was joking around with him one night and asked Kash if he wanted to wear his Cars underwear.  Expecting a profound NOOOOO, per the usual, we were both shocked when Kash answered, YEAH!  What???  He can't be serious!  Because even though we were taking a break from the whole "training" we were still talking about it and got a pretty negative response from Kash every time we mentioned anything about it.  But we ran with the enthusiastic response he gave Blaine  and put that kid in underwear the next day.  And you know what...that little stinker angel didn't have an accident!  He told me when he had to go #1 and #2.  I was now at home and didn't feel the pressure of a deadline in order to get him potty trained, but there also wasn't any pressure because seriously Kash pretty much decided that night, with his dad, that he was going to wear underwear and wasn't looking back.  

I couldn't believe how easy it was the second time around.  Sure he would have an accident from time to time but it was a true accident where we just didn't make it to the bathroom in time, and those seriously were few and far between.  And he's been potty trained ever since.  I couldn't believe it, I still can't.  Now, almost 6 months later he's still doing great, amazing actually!  I'm so proud of him!!!!  Every one told me it would be hard with a boy and the first child...and it was, but I truly think that was my own fault.  Kash knew when he was ready, and when he was he did great without the pressure of it all.  I'm so proud of him, and so happy I don't have to change his diapers anymore! ha (yes I realize diaper changing is in my near future...but at least I have some time before this next baby is eating solids.  Oh TMI? Sorry.)

Oh parenthood, the most humbling thing I've ever done!

Officially potty trained at 25 months.
Photo taken at 2.5 years old. 

I do it mom

Thank goodness for natural development.  I never really know when the right stage/age is to start letting Kash do things on his own.  But Kash knows.  He's always telling me I do it mom.  My independent two year old loves to climb in and out of his car seat all by himself, buckle the top buckle on the seat I do the top mom, you do the bottom, sets the table for dinner (place mats and silverware), starts the dishwasher all by himself and insists on getting on and off the toilet BY HIMSELF!

The one thing I wasn't ready for him to be so independent about was sleeping in his "big boy" bed.  A few weeks ago my mom came out and helped us get the nursery ready for the new baby and transition Kash's room into a big boy room.

I kept dreading Kash sleeping in a bed where he could get out and do anything but sleep, and that's as far as my thoughts took me.  I was eager to have my mom there and the extra motivation she would provide to get those two rooms put together.  What I wasn't expecting is to be sitting on Kash's floor putting his bed together and look over at my "big boy" and realize he wasn't a baby anymore...and to start bawling.  My mom came back in the room and I tried to hide my emotions but Kash told grandma Shelley that I was sad, thanks ya little nark! ha.  The rest of the day I couldn't handle the emotions that came over me. I was folding Kash's freshly washed 0-3 month clothes and hanging them in the baby's room when again the tears just kept coming.  I remembered the first time Kash wore each outfit.  I remembered how small and sweet he was and how much he depended on me.  I thought about how I can never go back to that newborn stage, it was just gone forever. I remembered how our whole life changed once we brought that little baby boy home...how the first night was hard, how he was such a good sleeper, how he didn't have hardly any hair, how fat he was, how he hated his swing but loved his bouncer, how I was scared to death to be a mom but somehow it was so easy to love that little baby.  And there he sat in the other room with a screwdriver in his hand helping Grandma Shelley with his big boy room.

And you know what made things ten times harder...Kash had NO problem sleeping in his new bed.  He climbed right in at night and that was it, no looking back for him.  He takes naps great in there and sleeps just like he was sleeping in his crib.  Turns out transitions are just hard on this little momma because Blaine could have cared less as well.  Oh life with all boys...

The next day I walked into the new nursery and saw all of the baby clothes hanging in the closet, the rocker ready for late night feedings and the swing (useless I'm sure) ready to rock a newborn.  And it got me excited.  I liked the idea of being able to start over, maybe do some things different, but mostly enjoy every minute of that newborn stage, my favorite.

Anyone else have such a hard time giving your old baby's things to your new baby or am I just ridiculously over emotional?

No matter the size of bed maybe he'll always be my baby?  

mothers

Per the usual I'm super behind on all the things that I want to blog about.  But I saw this video about Mother's Day and couldn't help but share it.

Yeah it made me cry.



I love being a mom more than...
watermelon
reality tv
crafting
graphic design
shopping
sleeping
friends
the internet
...and I really do love all of those things with all of my heart (especially the sleeping).

I love celebrating my mom, and Blaine's mom--both are amazing women/mothers in their own ways.  But now that I'm a mom Mother's Day is a reminder of how lucky I am to have the title of mom.  This video was a sweet reminder of all the things I love about being a mom.

And to my sweet, crazy, silly, handsome, sometimes sassy two year old and the sweet baby on his way: I'm so happy I get to be your mom!

Kash a few days old

I know I've posted this picture a million times.  But it's my. all. time. favorite. picture.  For me it sums up motherhood.  I don't even remember how we got in this position, or remember making the conscious decision to fall asleep (Kash has never officially slept in our bed) but I do remember being physically and emotionally exhausted but not wanting to leave my new baby's side even though my mom and Blaine would have gladly taken Kash so I could catch some much needed z's.

Happy Mother's Day

It's the little things...



I swear making them this cute is for their own protection!

It's our goodbye kiss fest every morning as Kash leaves for Grandma Turnbows

I kiss Kash, Blaine kisses me and then Kash kisses dad, always resulting in an awkward face from dad

(sounds creepy but it's all on the cheek and I promise it's sweet)

It's Kash grabbing my cheeks to make sure I'm listening to him

It's Kash's sincere "sorry ma" after he's done something he shouldn't

It's Blaine's unexpected emails during the day that simply say "I love you."

It's Kash's developing sense of humor that keeps me laughing every day

It's laying in bed at night reviewing with Blaine all the awesome/weird things Kash did throughout the day

It's my Wednesdays off of work where I pretend I'm a stay-at-home mom and I play with my boy all day

It's Blaine working so hard for our family

It's my two best friends that are always there to make me laugh and make me feel like I'm doing my best for my family

I'm trying to remember it's the little things in life that count.  Lately things have been crazy in our little family of three.  We are still frantically trying to find a way for me to stay home, which means Blaine was been working extra hard which also means late nights and working on Saturdays. New church callings and crazy schedules. And we didn't think our life was hectic enough and decided to throw potty training in the mix.  This has made me an irritable, cranky, no good mom. 

So whether it's during my drive to work when I miss Kash terribly, or after a day full of Kash peeing in his pants, or Kash deciding that it's opposite day and doesn't listen to a single thing I say, I'm trying to remind myself of the little things.  Kash has grown up so fast in the past two years and I feel like my mind is often filled with what went wrong during the day instead of all the things that went right, I don't want to look back with regret.

via

In this month of gratitude I want to remember how blessed I am to have the life I have.  Blaine is an awesome dad and such a great support to me, Kash is more hilarious, sweet and fun than ever and Blaine and I both have amazing, supportive parents.  I need to focus on all the great things I have in daily life as we try and accomplish our bigger life goals.

**obviously I know that life is hard and many people have it much harder.  And in reality things aren't terrible for us right now, but the day to day things can drag me down and I've found for me it's so helpful to count my blessings each day so that one bad day doesn't spiral into a bad week, month, year, life.

being a mother

I've never felt more like a daughter of God until the day I had Kash.  I don't know if it's because babies just have such a strong sweet spirit about them, if it's because I strive to be better so that he has a good example, or simply the fact that I pray more often for guidance so I don't mess him up!  Whatever it may be not only does Kash bring a special energy and joy to our house but becoming a mom has also allowed me to become closer to my Heavenly Father.

I love that quote by President Hinckley (don't you just miss him), it's so true.  It's such a great reminder of what's important in life.  When the stresses of day to day tasks can consume us it's nice to think of our purpose and focusing our efforts on raising our children.

Parenthood, for me, hasn't gone by with out a healthy does of humble pie though.  I'm not the perfect mom I always dreamed I would be.  You know the one who's child never throws a fit in a store,  never hits you in the face, never screams for no reason...oh no not me! ha!  There are some nights after Kash is asleep where I think wow I could have handled that situation with a little more patience, or maybe I shouldn't have let him eat that, or do that, or I could have played with him more, etc..

But then I hear quotes like this:


"Life’s journeys can have many ups and downs. Yes, there will be days when you will feel the going is tough. But as you stay on the right path, the reward at the end of life’s journey is well worth the moments of adversity you experience along the way."-Elder Ben B. Banks


...and I remember that in between the refusals to eat dinner and the hugs, that motherhood is a journey.  That by giving my child the best, mixed in with a few not so best days, that I will be rewarded in the end when I see my beautiful baby boy grow up to be an amazing person.

So thank you to Kash on this mother's day for making me a mom.  I know that I was put on this Earth to be a mom, through the good times and the hard.  And there's nothing more rewarding than being Kash's mom!

Happy Mother's Day!

officially a part-time stay at home momma!

haha okay so it's only Wednesday's, but it's a start and I couldn't be more excited.  Lately everything has been falling into place for us and we feel truly blessed.

On my first Wednesday off with Kash I was determined to make the most of it.

We started the day off with a run.  Kash's face also depicts how I felt about the run.

But then we went to the park and that cheered him up.

Then we went to the mall and got some frozen yogurt (obsessed).

I love spending one extra day with my boy.  He's so much happier during the day than when I pick him up after work.  It's also nice not to feel rushed or like I have to get everything done on Saturday, makes for more quality time with Kash!  I've been waiting to go "part-time" for what seems like forever so I'm so happy to have just one day off a week! Yay for Wednesday's off!

PS-this Wed. didn't go as well, Kash ended up with a fat lip from climbing on a stool and falling off.  Probably the scariest thing I've dealt with thus far as a mom!  He's okay, not sure I am though!

Happy Birthday Kash!

Our baby boy is one today.  Last night when I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight I whispered to him that this would be the last night that he was my "baby".  Maybe I cried a little, ha.

As much as I've loved to watch him change each month it's hard to watch your baby grow up so fast.  My two best friends have had their own little babies in the last month and it's taken me back to the day Kash was born.  The first 48 hours was a whirlwind.  This precious new life was ours to take care of.  I kept thinking how Heavenly Father delivered him to us as a perfect little baby and now it was our job as parents to try and mess that up as little as possible.

While we haven't been perfect parents we sure have given Kash all the love we have to give.  And on his special day I'm not worried about his milestones or his growth chart, I just want him to know I LOVE HIM!  I feel so honored to be his mom, I love being his mom.  I love the sweet "love pats" that he gives me.  I love his laugh and his cheesy smile.  I love the excitement in his eyes when dad comes home.  I love peeking in on him while he's sleeping.  I love everything about him and feel, once again, so blessed to have this little spirit in our home.

Happy Birthday Bubs!
We love you!

And a special thanks to my sister-in-law Rachel who has taken Kash's pictures professionally every three months since he's been born.  These pictures mean the world to me and I wouldn't have been able to have them if it weren't for her!  Thanks Rach!

(actual 12 month post to come)

ol' bessy is dried up!

That's right I'm talking about breastfeeding by referencing myself to a cow! When I first started nursing that's what I felt like, a dairy cow. I was feeding Kash every 2-3 hours around the clock. No breaks! I felt like my sole purpose in life at that time was to feed my baby, and it was!

Then after 6 weeks I had to go back to work, and thus the pumping started. I quickly learned that the need to pump (or nurse) was no longer determined by a crying, hungry baby—my pumping schedule was now dictated by my work load. There were often times where I would have to miss a “pump break” because I was in a meeting or I was swamped with a project. Which resulted in feeling like my boobs were going to explode…oh too much info, okay sorry!

My goal was to nurse for 12 months. After the first month of working full time and pumping I was about to give up that goal. But the adorable little boy I’d come home to every night was motivation enough to give him the very best and stick it out. So day in and day out I pumped in the bathroom at work. Sometimes I would forget my pump at home and Blaine would bring it to me. Sometimes I would drop my milk in the middle of the street and someone would run over it. Sometimes I would knock over a bottle and milk (aka liquid gold) would be all over the place. One time I had to go to a training and the only place to pump was in a control room. But I couldn’t turn the light on otherwise people would see me through the window. So, sometimes I would pump on a weird, dark floor! Haha. Oh and sometimes I would forget to lock the door to the bathroom and people would walk in on me. Or there were those times that I would be in the middle of pumping and my coworkers would stand outside of the bathroom asking if I could hurry up because they needed my help in the office. Haha

These stories are all, like they say, funny now but at the time weren’t so hilarious. It was a lot of work to nurse for 11 months, but now today I decided I’m done. The amount of work put in throughout the day and the end results just aren’t adding up anymore (I’m only getting one bottle a day now and clearly Kash drinks more than that!). Part of me is sad. I feel like crying actually. My little baby is no longer a baby. He doesn’t rely on me as much. Heck he’s a toddler in my eyes. While I hated pumping, I really did enjoy nursing. I’m glad that Kash caught on and that I was able to nurse him when I was with him. I’m grateful that using a bottle during the day and then nursing at night was never a problem for him.

This post was probably inappropriate and awkward, and yeah I’m totally tooting my own horn…but I feel like I deserve to brag for a minute.  But also I’m sure there are other moms out there that can relate to the antics that sometimes occur when nursing/pumping!  Oh the things we do for our children, right?!

16 things i have learned about being a mother

I have plans for continuing to post about each little stop on our road trip to Utah, but today I'll interupt the scheduled post for this one...because I'm a mom and anything about raising kids makes me cry and I always feel the need to share.  This article made me laugh and helps keep things in to perspective.

motherhood

yeah this made me cry...thanks for sharing it on FB Katie!

motherhood

My world as I knew it has changed.  I've forgotten what it's like to not feel tired.  It takes about 20 minutes of prep time just to go to the grocery store.  The skin on my stomach looks like...well lets just say it's sick!  Bills, bills and more bills!  I've turned into a dairy cow.  I've become really good and cooking dinner, doing my make-up and cleaning all with one hand.  My lunch breaks are no longer mine as they are devoted to pumping.  I now worry non stop about a little man that I've only known for 3 months.  But I wouldn't change a thing!

When I stop and think about being a mom it overwhelms me.  I used to dream of the day when I would become a mother.  But it's so much different than I ever thought it would be.  It's one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs I've ever had.  It's hard to put into words the emotions of being a mother.  I don't know if it's because I'm now perma-tired and that makes me more emotional,but any time of the day my eyes will well up with tears at the thought and responsibility of being a mom to my perfect little boy.  I love him so much and can't even imagine my life without him.  I can be having the worst day ever and come home to my little boy looking up at me with his big eyes, he will smile at me and I will forget whatever I was previously upset about.  It's amazing how much love I have for him, more than I ever thought was possible.  But with such great love comes fear of not being the perfect mom and giving him everything he deserves. 

I was feeling guilty for not being the perfect mom a few weeks ago. My best friend emailed me this quote:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."  “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10 Elder M. Russell Ballard

I do love Kash with all my heart, him and Blaine are my first priority and according to Elder Ballard that's all that matters! So tomorrow, on my first mother's day as a mama,  I will be proud to be a daughter of God.  Proud that He has trusted me to take care of one of his children.  Proud to be a wife and have a husband that helps me to be the best mom I can be. Grateful for all the women in my life that have been great examples of strong mothers.  And grateful for my little family that makes me smile each and every day.

I'm just starting out on this journey of motherhood and I have sooo much to learn. But I hope I can give Kash and my future children a home full of love and stability.  I want my kids to feel like home is a place that they can escape from the worries of the world.  I hope I can be a good example.  I hope my children know that I will always love them and will be there for them no matter what.  

I love being a mom.  There hasn't been one day in the past three and half months that I have thought, wow it would be nice if my life could go back to the way it used to be.  Sure there are hard days,  but every single day my little boy makes me happier than I can even explain...it's a happiness that only parents get to experience, and I'm finally part of that club! 

Happy Mother's Day!  

This is my favorite picture of Kash and I.  It was the first night we had brought him home from the hospital.  I had just finished feeding him and was getting up to put him back in his crib and next thing I knew I was waking up to the flash of Blaine's camera as he captured this moment.