a date of sorts

I know this blog has turned into posts of holidays and Nixon's monthly updates.  Which is what the last few months have actually felt like on a day to day basis.  We've been busy with cookie parties, play dates, "preschool", family get togethers, holiday activities, etc.  And along with everyone else I got a little stressed out as we rushed here and there only to have a blowout, spitting up, a two year old screaming "I WANT A TREAT!!!!!" slow us down.  I've been a little crabby the last few months to say the least.  Turns out having two kids is hard sometimes, who knew.  Oh everyone who has more than one kid?  Okay.

I think Kash was feeling the effects of my emotional roller coaster the most.  There has definitely been a disconnect and a distance between Kash and I that wasn't there before Nixon came.  I hesitated to even write about this.  I don't want Kash to look back and read this and ever resent his brother or think that I loved him any less because I had a second baby, because that's simply not true--things just changed.  But this blog has always been about documenting our family and this is what our family dynamic has been since September.  So I felt it only fair to document the good, the bad and the ugly.

I've been so focused on meeting everyone's basic needs that I forgot to connect with Kash.  I'm sure a lot of moms feel this way as they try to meet all of life's demands on little sleep and a healing body.  Anyway, I've had the mom guilt for awhile now but just kept pushing through the days until we got more into a routine and things felt normal again. Luckily Blaine has been awesome with Kash. And Kash adores his dad and loves the one on one time he's got to spend with him lately.

I think they are finally normal.  Nixon is taking longer naps and getting into his own routine and this has allowed Kash and I to connect again.  We've found time to simply play and interact together instead of just being in the same room with each other.  

A blessing in disguised occurred the other day as well that helped me connect with Kash again.  My sister-in-law usually takes all of our family pictures and the kid's yearly pictures.  But she's been very sick lately so I decided to just snap a few and prayed that at least one was good enough to send to our family and friends.  Nixon was sleeping so it was just Kash and I, a date of sorts.  Just my Bubs and I.  We were laughing and playing in the snow, he was smiling for the camera and chasing me around.  He so happy to have my complete and undivided attention.  And his 3 little years of life flashed before my eyes and I had so much love for my sweet boy during this impromptu photo shoot   I missed our times together and vowed to make more time for just Kash and I.

I want him to always know how much I love him.  And I'm sure he'll never remember the time when his brother was born and we at PB&J for dinner (more times than I'd like to admit), I yelled more, I slept more, he watched TV instead of me doing educational activities with him and he ate more junk than ever before.  Okay, maybe Kash has enjoyed the last few months but I've felt like I failed him.  But looking back I think it's all part of being part of a family.  You change, you sacrifice, there are good memories and bad ones but we all love each other and help each other to grow. 

Here's to more dates with my Bubs and growing as a mom. 

 Kash and I February 2011

stay at home mom: part I, I quit

In the beginning of January I woke up one day and felt like that was the day I was going to quit my job.  And while that statement seems a little rash, there were definitely many conversations between Blaine and I, budget reviews and months of prayers (maybe years?) to get to this point.  We had just never set a date so to speak. But that morning something gave me the strength to do what we've wanted to do for months.

I told Blaine that morning as I was getting ready for work that I really thought I should quit my job that day.  He said, "ok."  Well if I knew it was going to be that easy I would have done it a long time a go! ha  I was so nervous and wasn't really sure if he really was ok with it.  I called him as I was about to walk into work and asked him if he was sure that we should do this.  He told me that he didn't ever think there would be a perfect time but that we needed to just take a leap of faith and make it work...and that I needed to stop spending so much money at Target.  Yeah I needed to stop spending so much money at a lot of places if we were going to make this work!

So I walked into work and told my boss that I was putting in my notice.  I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.  For two years I have wanted to do this and it happened just like that.  

The next few weeks were hard, way harder than I ever imagined them to be.  I gave my work almost five weeks notice to try and help them as much as I could with the transition but it almost seemed like too much time.  I had been at MHCD for the last four years.  It was my first and only job since moving to Colorado and while it was hard to work there for many different reasons, that job and those people definitely defined a small part of my life here in Colorado.  It also became extremely stressful for both Blaine and I to think about living off of one income.  We, like any other family, became accustomed to spending the money I was earning.  There were many days that I felt like I should tell my boss, "Oh just kidding I'm actually staying!"  But then I would think of Kash.  I would think about how we tried for so long to have a baby and now instead of my days being spent with him I was stuck at work in a job that didn't really use any of my talents or skills fully.  I would think about how he was almost two and I felt like I was missing his every day life.  I would think about how I would come home too tired to cook, clean or play with Kash.  And that is what motivated me to continue to let my five weeks run out at work until I would be a stay at home mom.  

The last few days were the hardest. I had lunches with good friends, flowers, balloons and gifts were brought.   And tons of kind words.  I actually can't believe how many people sent emails or made it a point to come tell me in person that what I was doing was absolutely the best thing I could do right now in my life.  I was shocked.  I worked in a very liberal company and didn't think that anyone there would fully understand why I would give up my job in this economy "just" to stay at home with my child.  But a lot of women told me they did the same thing many years ago and they didn't regret it for one minute!  This was the boost I needed!

I said my goodbyes, cleaned my desk and turned in my keys.  I always pictured myself on my last day ecstatic and flashing the peace sign and running out of the doors with the biggest smile on my face.  But instead I had tears down my face and sadness in my heart as one of my favorite doctors walked me to my car.  I'm not at ALL good at goodbyes, but I seriously didn't think I was going to cry!  But I did and that was it.  I was jobless, such a weird feeling.  I've had a job consistently (minus my freshmen year of college) since I was 16.  I just remember thinking, I hope we made the right decision.

Then the next day I woke up to the sound of Kash talking in his crib instead of my alarm.  Blaine was already at work.  Kash and I had breakfast together (opposed to me eating cereal as I drove to work and him eating at grandma's house).  I showered and put on jeans instead of dress pants.  Kash and I went to play group.  It was still a little surreal that this is what my days would be filled with.  As scared as I was it was a dream come true! 

you'll always be my baby

(cue Mariah Carey song...just kidding that would be creepy to apply to my child because it's more a song about your significant other)

I have a million other things I should post starting with Memorial Day and going through this last weekend, but tonight this is what's on my mind.

The last few nights Kash has been waking up a few hours after he goes to bed.  Which is unusual for our all star sleeper.  He goes to bed at 8:00pm like clock work every night and we usually never hear a peep from him until around 6:30am (I will always brag about how awesome Kash is about taking naps/going to bed, it amazes me every night that it's that easy!).  But lately, like I said, he's been waking up a few hours after he's asleep.  I blame this on the last few teeth that are breaking their way through.

Sunday nap

The thing is I've kinda loved the last few nights.  I love that I can rock him back to sleep and witness his dark eyelashes rest on his cheeks.  You see while Kash is great about going to sleep, he hasn't fell asleep in my arms since he was probably 4 months old.

I'm totally selfish and take a few extra minutes to rock him before I put him back in his crib.  I think about how big he is and that he probably looks a little silly with his legs hanging off my lap.  I think about how with my next child I will try and slow down time somehow.  I think about how with my next baby (my little girl of course) I won't rush for her to reach the next milestone, I will enjoy the stage she is in.

I love these tender moments of just Kash and I rocking in his room, and him holding still long enough for me to snuggle him.

Here's to the last few teeth before the 2 year old molars come in.  Here's to my Kash still being my baby!

our life right now

We finally closed on our house on Friday. I can't believe it finally happened. For the last 7 months we have been looking for a house. We tried not to be too picky. We wanted something in a good school district, something with a roof, plumping and electricity and within our budget...that's not too much to ask for right? Well apparently it was despite the "perfect buyer’s market". I won't go into all of the nightmare situations because they are behind us now and I want to leave them there.

But I will say a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. This is the first step that we've been waiting for to start the process of me staying home with Kash. All along I kept thinking, okay we just need to buy a house and then I can stay home with my baby. Well just like everything in my life there's a different timeline than what I had in mind. You'd think I'd learn that by now, but apparently I haven't. But things are definitely moving in the right direction. I'm hoping that starting in March I will be able to stay home on Wednesdays. And eventually be able to stay home full time with Kashers.

While this has been the hardest thing in my life to date I have felt my Heavenly Father's love. I heard a common theme this last week either in church or through friend's testimonies that hit home, "You are exactly where you Heavenly Father wants you to be." I believe that to be true. I'm trying to continue to stay strong. I'm trying to still do my best at my job despite the fact that my mind always wanders to what Kash is doing during the day and how much I miss him. I'm trying to still be the best wife I can be, to come home and make dinners, do baths and find the energy to give Kash all the attention he deserves instead of my left overs from the day. I know that I'm only able to do this because I have faith. I have faith that God loves me. I have faith that He has a plan for me.

I know this was kind of a rambling post, a mix of emotions and churchy stuff, but newsflash that's who I am! Just a real girl, with real emotions and trials just like everyone else. And while I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason I also believe that we need to do our part. And Blaine and I have worked really hard the past three years to get a house and I’m proud of our little family and this accomplishment. Now we just need to make sure we can afford it…haha!

ol' bessy is dried up!

That's right I'm talking about breastfeeding by referencing myself to a cow! When I first started nursing that's what I felt like, a dairy cow. I was feeding Kash every 2-3 hours around the clock. No breaks! I felt like my sole purpose in life at that time was to feed my baby, and it was!

Then after 6 weeks I had to go back to work, and thus the pumping started. I quickly learned that the need to pump (or nurse) was no longer determined by a crying, hungry baby—my pumping schedule was now dictated by my work load. There were often times where I would have to miss a “pump break” because I was in a meeting or I was swamped with a project. Which resulted in feeling like my boobs were going to explode…oh too much info, okay sorry!

My goal was to nurse for 12 months. After the first month of working full time and pumping I was about to give up that goal. But the adorable little boy I’d come home to every night was motivation enough to give him the very best and stick it out. So day in and day out I pumped in the bathroom at work. Sometimes I would forget my pump at home and Blaine would bring it to me. Sometimes I would drop my milk in the middle of the street and someone would run over it. Sometimes I would knock over a bottle and milk (aka liquid gold) would be all over the place. One time I had to go to a training and the only place to pump was in a control room. But I couldn’t turn the light on otherwise people would see me through the window. So, sometimes I would pump on a weird, dark floor! Haha. Oh and sometimes I would forget to lock the door to the bathroom and people would walk in on me. Or there were those times that I would be in the middle of pumping and my coworkers would stand outside of the bathroom asking if I could hurry up because they needed my help in the office. Haha

These stories are all, like they say, funny now but at the time weren’t so hilarious. It was a lot of work to nurse for 11 months, but now today I decided I’m done. The amount of work put in throughout the day and the end results just aren’t adding up anymore (I’m only getting one bottle a day now and clearly Kash drinks more than that!). Part of me is sad. I feel like crying actually. My little baby is no longer a baby. He doesn’t rely on me as much. Heck he’s a toddler in my eyes. While I hated pumping, I really did enjoy nursing. I’m glad that Kash caught on and that I was able to nurse him when I was with him. I’m grateful that using a bottle during the day and then nursing at night was never a problem for him.

This post was probably inappropriate and awkward, and yeah I’m totally tooting my own horn…but I feel like I deserve to brag for a minute.  But also I’m sure there are other moms out there that can relate to the antics that sometimes occur when nursing/pumping!  Oh the things we do for our children, right?!

is it sunday yet?

Remember how Blaine has been in the Uinta Mountains hiking, fishing, and doing man things with the boys in his family this week?  Well, I can't tell you how excited I am that this week is almost over and that he'll be home soon. 

This week has made me realize how much Blaine does for our family!  I pride our marriage on the fact that we are a team and share all of the duties it takes to make our family function.  But, I think I've been taking it for granted that Blaine takes Kash to grandma's every morning, does our laundry every Tuesday, cleans the house, holds Kash while I go to the bathroom, makes our bed every day, takes out Kash's dirty diapers, picks up milk on the way home from work...I could go on and on.  Not to mention there isn't as much laughter in the house with him gone.  Mostly by Kash, I just can't get him to laugh the way Blaine can.  I guess distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

How do single moms do it???

But, Blaine totally deserves this trip!  He's been working so hard with Lights of the Rockies the last 3 years and works so hard to make our home a happy, livable place (yeah I'm a slacker wife...).  I love you Blaine and want you to have fun, but just get home soon your family misses you!!!!!!

(Blaine being awesome with our neice and nephew)

weekend wrap up

I work from 8-5pm Monday-Friday, pick up Kash from Grandma's after work, get home, feed him, make our dinner and then before I know it it's 8 o'clock and time to put Kash to bed.  Since this is our Monday-Friday routine I usually try and cram all my errands into Saturdays.  Kash and I run from store to store picking up things we need (and don't need), taking things back and trying to get the most out of our day.  Well this Saturday I decided to just hang out at the house Kash and just play!  It was so fun to just have a day where things didn't need to be done, okay so things needed to be done but I ignored them.  I loved it!  I wish every Saturday I could make up for the hours I lose with my boy during the week to just play and laugh together.

Saturday night Blaine and I even had the chance to go out on a date just the two of us!  Karen was in town and offered to babysit for us.  Since she's our favorite babysitter we didn't even think twice and took her up on the offer!  This was only the second time since Kash was born that Blaine and I have been able to go out just the two of us and it was so nice.  I felt like we were in Logan, working at ICON and dating again.  ha ha ha not really...

Overall it was a great weekend.  Which I probably needed to get me through this week.  Blaine is out on a hiking/fishing trip till Sunday.  In a way I'm kinda glad this trip is finally here.  It's all he's been talking about the entire summer.  He's been searching online for the best deal on gear, spending five hours in sporting good stores and wearing his hiking boots all around the house in order to break them in.  He even tried to wear them on the date, oh don't even think I let that happen!

Anyway, no pictures, nothing exciting just love my happy little family.

back to work, back to work

Last night was reminiscent of the night before the first day of school. Blaine and I made sure clothes were laid out, the diaper bag was full of all the necessary supplies and we went to bed as early as our little boy would allow, knowing tomorrow would be a big day with an early start.

And we were right, 5:30am to be exact. Not because Kash woke us up, but because I now need a full two hours to get ready for work (and after the first run today found out that it would be helpful to make that about 2 and 1/2 hrs).

I groggily got myself outta bed, only hitting the snooze button once, a big accomplishment for me. I expected to be overwhelmed with emotions as soon as my feet hit the ground but at this point I was too tired to deal with my emotions. I started to put my make-up on...and the emotions started to show their face. I usually have my little man by my side, contently sitting in his bouncer watching me get ready for the day. Today all the lights were off and the house was quiet as my boys still slept. I finished getting ready and then I went in to wake Kash up to feed him before I left for work. In the previous six weeks this never happened, I encouraged our little boy to sleep in as long as he wanted! As I walked in to his nursery and said good morning I had a flash forward to what early morning seminary will be like as Kash stretched his arms out, grunted and looked at me through little slants in his eyes as if to say, "Oh mom just a few more minutes of sleep!"

The rest of the morning was rushed but not too rushed to block out the feelings of guilt, sadness and almost failure as a new mom as I got my little boy ready. He was looking his best for a fun filled day with grandma. Blaine put him in his car seat and Kash was all smiles, at least one of us was ready for our new adventure. But as soon as I saw that smile I lost it. I loved our mornings together, this is when he is the happiest. We would sing songs, read books, exchange smiles and just talk about nothing all morning long. I looked forward to this time everyday.


My mom had text me this morning saying to call her when I could, knowing today would be hard for me. I took her up on that offer on my way into work to distract myself from crying. She gave me a good pep talk and I felt like I could face the day. Then I came into work and my friend had decorated my desk and greeted me first thing. Followed by other coworkers saying how much they missed me. This helped a ton and made me feel way better
They even made me homemade chocolate chip cookies!!!
So all in all what was to be the worst day of my life has only been a kind of the worst day of my life. It's amazing how much I've grown to love our new baby and miss him when I'm not with him. He is so awesome and while today I felt kinda empty I know he's in the best hands ever and probably doesn't even realize I'm gone.

Thanks to all those who helped me get through today. Especially Blaine-you've been so awesome dealing with my emotional roller coaster, I couldn't do it without you! Here's to hoping each day will get easier and easier!

Sorry Kash is all I blog about these days, he's kinda stolen my heart and consumed my life!

32 weeks=8 months=8 more weeks

I felt like my last post was a little negative. So what better way to cheer people up than a belly shot and a fetus poem? Who doesn't love that combo?!

I don't want to give the wrong impression that I hate being pregnant. I mean don't get me wrong it's not my favorite thing in the world but it has been an amazing experience overall. To think that I'm trusted enough to carry this little baby and to bring him into this world is just an overwhelmingly awesome feeling!

Watching my belly wiggle and to feel our little boy kick makes up for the restless nights and bruised ribs.

The thought of all the joy and happiness he will bring our family makes up for all the ridiculous pregnancy comments.

Having a little boy and the bond he will have with his dad as they do boy things makes up for all the times I laughed too hard and peed in my pants a little! :) ha ha

The tiny toes, the small hands and the irresistible adorableness that will soon call me mom makes up for the constant stream of snot coming from my nose since becoming pregnant.

I know it will all be worth it!

I can't believe how much I already love him and feel a connection with him. Every time I get something out of the fridge it warms my heart to see the little sonogram of him sucking his thumb! I've waited for a long time to become a mother and I can't believe the time is so near. And to start a family with Blaine makes it even better than I ever dreamed of!

t h r e e

I know this time of year blogs are filled with gushy posts about people's anniversaries. Well our anniversary is just as important so here's another one!

I love candid pictures-the kind that capture who you really are without the cheesy smile. Just natural interaction.

One of my favorite memories with Blaine is when we were dating...Sundays when we were dating in particular. We would spend all day together on Sundays and I would usually beg him to take me on a drive through Logan Canyon. We would drive for hours and Ben Folds: Songs for Silverman was usually the soundtrack to these mini road trips. We would cruise around in his old Mazda that had a fancy cd player and I would always change the screen saver to the swimming dolphins...he hated that one! :) Later it would be his new Land Cruiser, Spike, in which I would ask him to drive deep into the mountains so that we could hunt for the fall leaves just starting to change--he didn't mind this so much because he got to really test Spike's offroading skills. Sometimes we would stop off at First Damn and feed the ducks. Sometimes we would just end up walking the trail at Second Damn.

Dang, I miss those days!

I love thinking about that time in our lives. The beginning where we were starting to fall in love. It didn't matter back then what we were doing as long as we were together. It didn't matter what our friends were doing or what we may have been missing out on just as long as we were together.

Happy Anniversary Beez! I LOVE YOU!

2009?

The holidays are officially over and I want them back. They went by way too fast and they have also taken half of our family with them. It was great to have all of Blaine's family in town this past week. It gets more exciting every year as his side of the family continues to grow.

We managed to sneak in some sass even though we ALL had the stomach flu during the holidays

So now here we are, 2009. I know this is supposed to be the year of "change" (I'm so sick of that saying) and everyone hated 2008...but really I'm kind of sad to see it go. When I step back and review the last year, Blaine and I were truly blessed. Although life did not go as we had planned, at all in many aspects, 2008 turned out pretty good.

Now I'm not one for new year's resolutions, I mean my life needs improving in all areas, I just think new year's resolutions are weird. But don't think I forgot about this goal I made in 2008. I'm working on it. I've designed a few things here and there, and made my in-law's Christmas cards they send to everyone, but without actual design software that goal is on hold. And with more important things to save for it's definitely on hold. So what does 2009 hold for the Turnbow's??? Good things I'm sure! We really are happy and live a good life. What about you? What does 2009 hold for you?

goodbye utah, hello fall

We actually made it to Utah this time and our trip was amazing! This visit was full of unexpected emotions. I knew I would be happy to see my old friends and be in that old familiar town again, but I didn't realize how sad I was going to be at the same time. The whole trip Blaine and I realized how much we really missed having good friends in our daily life. My heart is still a little sad as we are back in Colorado today.

I love the comfortable feeling of old friends. People who know you better than anyone in the world and yet they still love you all the same! The ones who choose to be your family. Friends that you can do absolutely nothing with and have the time of your life. We sat in bed chatting about life like we were teenagers again-as if we were all roommates again-only this time the topic of our conversations seemed to be more on the mature side but not without the occasional joke [that only we would think was funny] to lighten the mood. I loved the reassuring feeling that we were growing together and not apart.

We also spent some quality time with our family that lives in Utah. We saw Karen in her new element, and she seems to be adjusting well. I miss her. We saw our grandparents and stayed with Joy and Jason. We had a lot of fun with them and I wished that we all lived a little closer to one another.

My mom always says I have such a sentimental heart. I suppose this can be a good and bad thing...but right now it feels like a bad thing. I feel so out of place in Denver and stronger than ever I feel like I don't belong here. I'm not sure if Utah is where we are supposed to be either, but it sure felt like it last week. I know in a few days I will be back to my mundane routine with a smile on my face, but right now all I want are my friends.

ps-happy first day of fall!