smiley

Before Nixon was born I had a major fear that my second baby would be a handful...you know the kind that stay up all night crying, that you have to hold 24/7 to make them happy, the kind you can never comfort and that he would probably have something like acid refulx to add to all of the chaos I was sure would exist with my second baby.

Well thank the Heavens above I received the happiest baby I've ever met!!!  I thought Kash was a happy baby but Nixon...I think he takes the cake.  He's had a happy disposition ever since he came to us.  He's content to sit and watch his brother run around, he lets me clean out his nose with the scary blue bulb without making a peep and he has the brightest, happiest smile in the world.  He started smiling so young too, I couldn't believe it.  Here he is at 3 weeks old smiling.  It doesn't fully capture his smiling capabilities (and they've since grown 4 weeks later) but whenever I would pull out the camera I could only get tiny smiles. 

I love how you can see his eyes light up first (please ignore my baby voice, the low lighting and the shower in the background. I think I took this around 5:30am one morning)...

smiles from Erica Turnbow on Vimeo.

Here's another one of him 3 weeks old smiling it up.  He gets so excited he goes cross eyed! ha
DSC 1316 from Erica Turnbow on Vimeo.

Despite his smile that melts my heart every day isn't sunshine and rainbows.  He's still a newborn that needs a lot of attention.  And some days I try and remember what it's like to cook dinner with two hands or even blog with two hands :)  But let me tell you his willingness to smile at you just for looking at him makes it all worth it.  We love our little smiley baby! 

Nixon Layne Turnbow

I can't believe it's taken me 11 days to post about our sweet new baby, but I guess life with two boys has kept me busy to say the least.  While newborns do sleep their first few weeks away I'm still working on getting back into a routine with the now added feedings, less sleep and a two year old adjusting to someone else being the center of his mom's world.  But I think we are all adjusting well and finding a new normal.

I think I made it pretty clear leading up to the birth of our second baby that I was scared that I wouldn't/couldn't possibly love another child as much as I love Kash.  But I'm happy to report that as soon as they laid my sweet baby boy on my chest I was instantly in love!!!  They say you love your children differently and I do believe that to be true but that moment when I met him for the first time it felt just like it did with Kash...an immediate bond and love so strong that no one could break it.  I feel so blessed to have another little newborn to care and love for.

The birthing process went pretty smoothly this go around, except for the epidural not taking very well.  But other than that I couldn't have asked for a better experience.  Nixon made pretty good time and there were no complications...all things we had prayed for in the weeks leading up to my induction date.  Since he did come so fast at the end of my labor he was extremely bruised and swollen, even more so than Kash which I didn't think was possible.  Since he was so bruised he did end up with a little bit of jaundice but nothing extreme.  His face is looking great these days and he seems to have a little swelling and bruising left just around his eyes.

I wasn't going to make a video, simply because a nap sounded more appealing.  But with so many pictures and video from just the hospital I thought it would be easier to just do a video.  Ahh who am I kidding, I just love make videos :)

So here he is, Nixon Layne Turnbow!  He's stolen my heart already!  I can't believe he will be two weeks old in a few days.  I'm trying really hard this go around to enjoy each day and moment and not worry about the next milestone in hopes to slow down the growing up process. I'll let you know if it works, ha...

it's go time!

Well this is the last day of my pregnancy, and I'm warning you I'm definitely a rambling, emotional, pregnant woman today!  So read on if you want but you have been warned!

Such a weird feeling to have it all planned out compared to my first pregnancy that felt like my life was on call for the last few weeks of pregnancy.  Obviously it's nice that I've been able to plan who will take care of Kash and my mom doesn't have to get a last minute flight as she rushes out from the Midwest to be here for the birth of her first grand baby.  But knowing that this is my "last day" also brings on those "last day" feelings that I don't handle too well!

This morning while saying a prayer at breakfast I started to tear up as I asked my Heavenly Father to watch over Kash and that all will go well tomorrow with our new baby.  We've been preparing Kash for months and months for the arrival of his little brother, but maybe I'm the one who needed a little more preparing.  At first the emotion was definitely happy and excited as I realized tomorrow I would have a new baby to hold and love.  Kash didn't believe me he asked, "are you sad Mom?"  I told him no that sometimes people cry when they are happy.  He told me that was weird...couldn't agree more! haha  But as I was having that conversation with my little two year old his life flashed before my eyes and I couldn't help but have a little bit of a sad feeling that this would be our last breakfast together just the two of us.  That the next time I sat at that table with him he would have a little brother and I would have a new baby to tend to.  And thanks to pregnancy hormones and my already sensitive heart I couldn't stop crying this morning. 

I know Kash will be a great big brother and that this baby is meant to be in our home and in our family, but today I just treasured my last day with just me and my first baby.  I'm so grateful for the past 9 months that I've been able to spend with just Kash and I each day, what a blessing. 

Okay for my own sake let's move on to the belly shot so I can stop crying!  I thought it would be fun to do my last pregnancy picture in the same shirt as my first pregnancy to compare sizes.  I'm actually 40 weeks in the first one and 39 weeks in the second since my doctor is inducing me a week early.  But isn't it funny to see a side by side shot?  I do think I look bigger the first pregnancy, but I was also just carrying the baby completely different.  Looking at the first picture reminds me of how high I carried Kash and how much my ribs hurt!  I'm so grateful that this baby is sitting a lot lower.  

My guess/vote is that this baby will weigh around 9 lbs 2 oz, Blaine thinks 9 lbs 4.5 oz (he insists on the .5).   Please, please bless that we are both right and he's around 9 pounds or less!!!!

Alright, the next post we'll be introducing our sweet baby boy!  Wish me luck tomorrow!  YIKES, childbirth...never my idea of a fun Thursday! :) 

baby N's nursery

The nursery is finally "complete" with 3 days to spare! With everything in this room being DIY it felt like I was never going to get it done, but it's about as done as it will be before the baby comes.  There are still a few things here and there I want to add and make but I'm exhausted, so this is as good as it gets!

With this nursery I wanted more of an eclectic, rustic, modern feel.  Unfortunately, the whole eclectic style isn't my strength and my instincts tend to gravitate towards more matchy-matchy...so this room is a little more "matchy-matchy", a little more orange and blue than I'd like but overall I'm pretty pleased.  Not exactly what I envisioned but most of my projects rarely are.

Initial Board: made from fence posts that I stained, N is from Michael's painted white
Crib bedding: handmade by me-fabric from fabric.com
Dresser: 2 IKEA RAST dressers stained, painted and added new hardware
Rocker: garage sale find and I recovered cushions with gray fabric from Joann's
Awesome Chevron Quilt: handmade by my mother-in-law (it's one of my favorite pieces in the room!)
Rug: Urban Outfitters, this was the inspiration for the whole room
Roman Shades: Lowes

Deer Head: Amazon, then painted white & orange (Blaine hates him, but I LOVE him...even if the trend is so last year)
I Am A Child of God Print: inspired by here but I created my own because I can do that for free :)
Arrow Print: created by me
Orange Geometric Print: actually just scrap fabric
Alphabet Print: created by me
Fox Canvas Painting: His Darlin Wife Etsy Shop (custom made just for our little babe!!!)
3 Window Picture Frame: IKEA...soon to be filled with newborn pictures
Clock: Target...had plans to refinish but that's on the "after-baby-comes-to-do-list"

Mobiles: made from embroidery hoops that I stained and strips of card stock sewn together
Ceramic Feathers: Target, I painted them white
Owl: made by my mother-in-law to match the quilt
Fox: IKEA
Lamp: Target (not exactly the right blue but my DIY on this one failed!)

I know this post is already long enough but I wanted to highlight two of my favorite items in the room.  First being the amazing chevron quilt my mother-in-law made.  I bought the fabric and gave her some ideas of what I would like but really didn't give her too much direction.  But she ran with what I gave her and made this awesome quilt.  It means a lot to me to have something handmade by a family member in this nursery!  Thank you so much Marilyn, you are the best sewer I know!!!

And then there's this adorable little fox canvas my sweet friend Brooke made for me.  When she contacted me and asked me if she could make something for baby N's nursery I was so excited!!!!  We collaborated on what it should be and when she dropped this little guy at my house I couldn't believe how cute he was!  I think it's Kash's favorite part of the room too!  He always walks in and talks about how the fox has a bird on his tail ha ha.  Check out Brooke's etsy shop!

snails + puppy dog tails...or mustaches

I don't think it's a super huge secret that I had my heart set on a little girl this pregnancy.  Growing up it was often just my mom and I and the other important influences in my life were strong women.  I really hadn't even lived with any males for long periods before I married Blaine.  In my vision of motherhood I saw myself making bows, braiding hair and helping my daughters pick out their prom dresses.  That's all I knew.  fast forward to present day and the fact that I'm going to have two little boys is still a little overwhelming.  I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.  Kash loves dirt, he loves playing with cars and could care less about what he's wearing (although he's started to have an opinion about my outfits...prefect for my pregnant self-esteem).  All things opposite of his girly momma.  But it's been fun to watch him have a love for sports and listen to him in the other room race his cars.  There is joy in being a mother of boys as well, it's just different.  That being said it's still hard sometimes to think that I might never have a little girl in my house.  Especially hard when my friends have girls and I make them baby shower gifts.

My best friend from high school is due just a few weeks after me and is having a sweet little girl.  I couldn't be more happy for her and I'm pretty sure she'll have the cutest little girl anyone has ever seen.  I had fun picking out girly fabrics and making flowers for the gifts below. 

Then I thought, well I want to make something cute for my baby too!  We've all seen these wipe cases dolled up with ribbons and bows but I've never seen a cute boy version. Sure I've seen the John Deer versions at the craft fairs, but that's as far as I've seen people take their creativity for boys. So I tried my best to put my boy thinking cap on and I came up with this:

What's more manly than a mustache right? ha  I went with some extra chevron fabric I had left over from the nursery, yellow rope and used iron on paper for the mustache.  I thought the yellow rope would be more "boy-ish" than ribbon, but after I completed it I'm not sure I achieved that goal.  But overall it made me happy to create something cute for my BOY!

Anyway, now my little boy has something cute that's flower free.  And I'm finding that there are crafts and things I can make for little boys too, I just have to be more creative!

For the record, I LOVE my boys and girls might be too much drama for me to handle! :)

36 weeks

If there's anything good to come out of having an 11 lbs. baby it's that with your next one the doctors are willing to monitor you more and do what they can to make sure you won't have another giant baby.  

We went in for our 36 week check up this week and had an ultra sound as well to see how big this baby was already.  He's measuring in at 6 lbs. 13 oz. (don't ask me how they get the exact weight) with four more weeks to go.  Since the average baby only gains a half a pound each week the doctor is willing to take me only a week early.  So obviously he's on the big side but I still don't think he's as big as Kash was.  It would be interesting to know how much Kash weighed at 36 weeks, but my idiot doctors refused to do an ultra sound that late in the game.

So, unless this baby comes on his own my doctor will probably induce me on September 6th and we are shooting for a "small" 8-9 lbs. baby.  My doctor laughed when my response to that weight was, "perfect!".  She said she guesses it's all relative but most patients think that's pretty big.  I do too, but it sounds better than an 11-12 pounder!

I think if I really tried though I could get this baby to come on his own, but I've been taking it real easy the last week to try and prevent that from happening.  I have contractions and pains all the time, I'm dilated to a one and 50% effaced already (I never felt any pain until after my due date with Kash).  But I'm not ready yet!!!  It's funny looking back at last time I was very ready for the baby to come.  Right now though, the nursery isn't done, my bags aren't packed, I haven't even gotten the car seat out of storage and mentally I need a few more weeks to prepare myself to be a mother of two!!!

Don't get me wrong, seeing this little face on the ultra sound monitor made me fall in love and very ready to hold my baby...just not quite yet. I think I still need a little more one on one time with Kash as well.  He's been acting out a bit more than usual and I want to find time in the next few weeks where I don't have any projects, work or church things to do where I can dedicate some quality one on one time with him.  I want him to feel special too during all this baby chaos.  

But we are definitely getting close and it's crazy/scary to think about checking into the hospital again, going through labor and then bringing our sweet baby home.  Our whole lives will change again.  And just like the first time I know we'll adapt, change and look back and think how we lived without this sweet little spirit in our home! 

Pregnant with Kash at 36 weeks

32 weeks

It's mid July and I've survived pregnancy so far, emphasis on the word survive.  This pregnancy has been much harder the last trimester compared to Kash and I think it's solely based on the fact that it's summer and it's hot, I feel like I'm going to pass out ever time I step outside...literally!

I wish I had documented more of my symptoms from the first pregnancy so I could compare and not go off of memory alone but it seems as if I get a lot less sleep, my body hurts a lot more and I have Braxton Hicks just about every time I blink...and they are starting to hurt.  My feet have started to swell and my hands are about as veiny as they can get.  It's funny because I don't realize the swelling as much since I've been wearing sandals 24/7 but I tried to shove my swollen sausages into a pair of flats the other day and there was no way my feet were going to fit in them.

At my last check up my blood tests showed that I'm a little bit anemic again with this pregnancy, my levels aren't as low as they were with Kash though.  I told the doctor that I knew my iron was low because I've been craving ice like I did before.  Popcicles and Sonic ice are sufficing the cravings.  Other than that it's been so hot that I really don't want to eat anything else but popcicles and cereal (don't worry I do eat other things than that...but if those two things gave me all the nutrients I needed I probably wouldn't eat anything else!)

I sometimes get away with non-maternity pants but they are definitely less comfortable than the stretch waist band that maternity clothes provide you with.  Luckily my sweet sister-in-law Joy let me borrow a bunch of maternity shorts and you can find me in the black pair pictured above and a white version of them just about every other day of the week.  

Despite all of the extra pains joys summer has brought to this pregnancy I still do enjoy every little kick I feel, every little hiccup (boy does this baby get the hiccups a lot...probably every day!) and watching my entire stomach move from side to side.  My "gut" still tells me this is going to be a big baby like his brother.  My doctor agrees and will do a 36 week ultra sound to see just how big this baby is and if she'll induce me early based on his weight then.  

So only 8 maybe 7 weeks left, so close yet so far away.  But at this point I think about my new little baby every day...what color of hair he'll have, what his temperament will be like, if he'll fit into newborn diapers or if I should just start stocking up on the next size, if his labor will be as traumatic as his brother's and how we'll all adjust to this new little spirit in our home.  I get more and more excited each day to meet him!

Pregnant with Kash at 32 weeks.

I do it mom

Thank goodness for natural development.  I never really know when the right stage/age is to start letting Kash do things on his own.  But Kash knows.  He's always telling me I do it mom.  My independent two year old loves to climb in and out of his car seat all by himself, buckle the top buckle on the seat I do the top mom, you do the bottom, sets the table for dinner (place mats and silverware), starts the dishwasher all by himself and insists on getting on and off the toilet BY HIMSELF!

The one thing I wasn't ready for him to be so independent about was sleeping in his "big boy" bed.  A few weeks ago my mom came out and helped us get the nursery ready for the new baby and transition Kash's room into a big boy room.

I kept dreading Kash sleeping in a bed where he could get out and do anything but sleep, and that's as far as my thoughts took me.  I was eager to have my mom there and the extra motivation she would provide to get those two rooms put together.  What I wasn't expecting is to be sitting on Kash's floor putting his bed together and look over at my "big boy" and realize he wasn't a baby anymore...and to start bawling.  My mom came back in the room and I tried to hide my emotions but Kash told grandma Shelley that I was sad, thanks ya little nark! ha.  The rest of the day I couldn't handle the emotions that came over me. I was folding Kash's freshly washed 0-3 month clothes and hanging them in the baby's room when again the tears just kept coming.  I remembered the first time Kash wore each outfit.  I remembered how small and sweet he was and how much he depended on me.  I thought about how I can never go back to that newborn stage, it was just gone forever. I remembered how our whole life changed once we brought that little baby boy home...how the first night was hard, how he was such a good sleeper, how he didn't have hardly any hair, how fat he was, how he hated his swing but loved his bouncer, how I was scared to death to be a mom but somehow it was so easy to love that little baby.  And there he sat in the other room with a screwdriver in his hand helping Grandma Shelley with his big boy room.

And you know what made things ten times harder...Kash had NO problem sleeping in his new bed.  He climbed right in at night and that was it, no looking back for him.  He takes naps great in there and sleeps just like he was sleeping in his crib.  Turns out transitions are just hard on this little momma because Blaine could have cared less as well.  Oh life with all boys...

The next day I walked into the new nursery and saw all of the baby clothes hanging in the closet, the rocker ready for late night feedings and the swing (useless I'm sure) ready to rock a newborn.  And it got me excited.  I liked the idea of being able to start over, maybe do some things different, but mostly enjoy every minute of that newborn stage, my favorite.

Anyone else have such a hard time giving your old baby's things to your new baby or am I just ridiculously over emotional?

No matter the size of bed maybe he'll always be my baby?  

23 weeks

(Ahhh please bless I get a new camera for my birthday!)  Big brother thought my self timer shots were hilarious and wanted in on the action! 

News flash I'm pregnant!  Ok, I guess this isn't news but this week I officially feel pregnant!  I'm so freakin' tired, my back feels like a truck ran over it every night, I'm getting leg cramps in the middle of the night, I'm HOT, I feel full when I eat half a sandwich, and this baby is starting to kick harder than I think he should.

But other than that all is well! ha  Really though, like I said before, I can't complain too much because this pregnancy has been so easy up to this point.  But it is getting harder to get motivated to get up at Kash's wake up call of 6:00am or earlier when I hardly slept the night before due to all of the above.  

In more fun news Blaine felt the baby kick!  It actually surprised me how hard the little guy was kicking.  And he's kicking me a lot higher than I remember Kash kicking me at 23 weeks.  I'm pretty sure this week alone the baby has grown at least a few inches and is definitely putting on the ounces!  I tried to get Kash to feel the baby but his little toddler hands wouldn't hold still long enough

We are starting to get the room ready.  I'm making a lot of the stuff going into the nursery so I hope I find the energy, time and creativeness to do it all before September.  But by getting the nursery ready I think it's really clicked for Kash that there will be an actual baby in that room someday.  Anytime he sees a baby he talks about how we will have one at our house or that I have a baby in my tummy.  And lately he's taken a lot more interest in babies and helping them out, fingers crossed this behavior continues when his little brother arrives!

Pregnant with Kash at 23 weeks. 

pink vs. blue

Sure do wish I knew what heat this baby in my tummy was packin!  Everyday I think/dream (oh pregnancy dreams) whether or not this baby is a boy or girl.  But mostly I want to get my shop on and start working away on the nursery!

I saw these prints on zullily.com the other day for 50% off and was so sad that I couldn't purchase one for our new nursery.

Prints from Etsy shop-Trafalgars's Square:

I love how sweet these prints are and might have to splurge after next Friday and pay full price for one of these!  That's right we find out what we are having next week!!!

I definitely didn't feel this anxious to find out what we were having with my first pregnancy.  While Blaine definitely had his sights set on a boy and I had a slight preference I really was just over the moon at the mere fact that we were having a baby.  Well this time around I have my boy so I think you all know who wins in the pink vs. blue battle for me.  But it turns out I got a pretty awesome baby boy the first time so if this one is a boy I know I will love him just as much.  And so will my bank account!

baby (bump) update

This pregnancy has been completely different than my first!!!  I was so sick day in and day out with Kash for the first 8 months I wasn't sure I would ever be able to go through all that it again. So when the pregnancy test said positive I couldn't help but think of the puke filled days followed by pushing out an 11 pounder!  To say the least I was scared (maybe I still am).  What they say is true, ignorance really is bliss and so it was with my first pregnancy!

And I think, at first, all of that held me back from truly being excited about our new little babe on the way. That and our lives were so full with Kash I couldn't imagine sharing my love with any other child.  I definitely felt that it was time to have another baby but at our first ultra sound appointment I spent the whole time telling any nurse and doctor who would listen that I had a really big baby the first time and I didn't want that to happen this time around.  I forgot to enjoy the moment and realize that the little bean on the screen was our sweet new baby!  I forgot to take it all in and enjoy the process.

Well you know what happened?  I got a kick in the pants in the stomach from our new little baby!  It hit me right then that this was the real deal!  That this little baby was already a part of our family and he/she won me over right there.  My heart grew and baby #2 found a spot in there that I thought was already so full of Kash's awesomeness that there wasn't any more room.  That's all it took for me to stop worrying about everything and enjoy this pregnancy.  My doctor also told me something that at the time made me want to punch her in the face but now is oddly comforting.  When talking about Kash's birth weight she told me, "I know it's not ideal but the fact that you did it once tells us you are capable of doing it again."  I did do it and I would do it again for this little baby too!  I already feel that I would do anything for this baby the same way I would for Kash. 

I actually really like my doctor despite that comment ha.  She said she would do a 36 week ultra sound to check the baby's weight and she would be willing to induce me at 39 weeks.  All reassuring things for me to hear!

This pregnancy has actually been a breeze...as far as pregnancies go.  I was really tired the first trimester but I feel like I got my second wind and ready to do some thing other than sleep! I have felt really great nausea wise and haven't been sick but a couple of days.  But I do appreciate on my sick days that I have my own little Bob Costa giving me a play by play at the toilet like I'm performing an Olympic sport! haha 

And on to the baby bump.  I actually debated if I should post a belly shot or not, I just can't believe how much bigger I am this go around!!! And I'm kind of embarrassed at how big I am, but I want to document for this child the same way I did for Kash. I'm actually pretty close to my first pre-pregnancy weight but man those stomach muscles aren't anywhere close.

So here I am in all my pregnancy glory.  And yes...plan to see me in a maxi dress possibly every day this summer, although I don't think they do me any favors-they are comfortable and that's what counts! 

Yep, had to do another mirror shot since that's what I did with Kash!  Just keepin' it fair yo!

Here I am 15 weeks pregnant with Kash.  And to think, I thought I was SO HUGE then!

 

you'll always be my baby

(cue Mariah Carey song...just kidding that would be creepy to apply to my child because it's more a song about your significant other)

I have a million other things I should post starting with Memorial Day and going through this last weekend, but tonight this is what's on my mind.

The last few nights Kash has been waking up a few hours after he goes to bed.  Which is unusual for our all star sleeper.  He goes to bed at 8:00pm like clock work every night and we usually never hear a peep from him until around 6:30am (I will always brag about how awesome Kash is about taking naps/going to bed, it amazes me every night that it's that easy!).  But lately, like I said, he's been waking up a few hours after he's asleep.  I blame this on the last few teeth that are breaking their way through.

Sunday nap

The thing is I've kinda loved the last few nights.  I love that I can rock him back to sleep and witness his dark eyelashes rest on his cheeks.  You see while Kash is great about going to sleep, he hasn't fell asleep in my arms since he was probably 4 months old.

I'm totally selfish and take a few extra minutes to rock him before I put him back in his crib.  I think about how big he is and that he probably looks a little silly with his legs hanging off my lap.  I think about how with my next child I will try and slow down time somehow.  I think about how with my next baby (my little girl of course) I won't rush for her to reach the next milestone, I will enjoy the stage she is in.

I love these tender moments of just Kash and I rocking in his room, and him holding still long enough for me to snuggle him.

Here's to the last few teeth before the 2 year old molars come in.  Here's to my Kash still being my baby!

utah trip: besties

The beautiful view from Juli's dad's house.  We are always feel so lucky that he lets us stay there! 

The main reason we ventured to Utah was because my best friend Juli was blessing her baby in Logan and my other best friend Sayward just had a baby as well.  I hate that we don't all live in the same town, and it only gets worse when they have babies and I'm not there to meet them right away.

Luckily things are always the same when we get together and it's like we started right were we left off.  Granted, our conversations are geared more towards, babies, birth, nursing, poopy diapers, etc now, but that is our lives at the moment and I don't think we would have it any other way.  

I loved seeing my besties with babies!  It's awesome to watch your friends grow and mature and become mothers.  And of course I was super emotional about meeting these two little babes.  I couldn't help but cry when I met Ascher for the first time, and when I saw Ava in her beautiful blessing dress I couldn't hold back the tears.  Yeah I'm a freak what can I say! 

Although I was enjoying all the newborn baby holding Kash was hating it.  He would get super jealous anytime I would hold Ava or Ascher, good thing Blaine was there to distract him most of the time!

Sweet baby Ava, and her cute little smile!

Baby Ascher loved me ha

Love this picture!  Almost 10 years later and so many new people in the picture!  Thanks for making this picture happen Nat.

The girl of the day

We feel so blessed to have such great friends that despite the fact that we all live in different states that we get to see each other so often!  Thanks for a great weekend friends, we miss you!!!

ol' bessy is dried up!

That's right I'm talking about breastfeeding by referencing myself to a cow! When I first started nursing that's what I felt like, a dairy cow. I was feeding Kash every 2-3 hours around the clock. No breaks! I felt like my sole purpose in life at that time was to feed my baby, and it was!

Then after 6 weeks I had to go back to work, and thus the pumping started. I quickly learned that the need to pump (or nurse) was no longer determined by a crying, hungry baby—my pumping schedule was now dictated by my work load. There were often times where I would have to miss a “pump break” because I was in a meeting or I was swamped with a project. Which resulted in feeling like my boobs were going to explode…oh too much info, okay sorry!

My goal was to nurse for 12 months. After the first month of working full time and pumping I was about to give up that goal. But the adorable little boy I’d come home to every night was motivation enough to give him the very best and stick it out. So day in and day out I pumped in the bathroom at work. Sometimes I would forget my pump at home and Blaine would bring it to me. Sometimes I would drop my milk in the middle of the street and someone would run over it. Sometimes I would knock over a bottle and milk (aka liquid gold) would be all over the place. One time I had to go to a training and the only place to pump was in a control room. But I couldn’t turn the light on otherwise people would see me through the window. So, sometimes I would pump on a weird, dark floor! Haha. Oh and sometimes I would forget to lock the door to the bathroom and people would walk in on me. Or there were those times that I would be in the middle of pumping and my coworkers would stand outside of the bathroom asking if I could hurry up because they needed my help in the office. Haha

These stories are all, like they say, funny now but at the time weren’t so hilarious. It was a lot of work to nurse for 11 months, but now today I decided I’m done. The amount of work put in throughout the day and the end results just aren’t adding up anymore (I’m only getting one bottle a day now and clearly Kash drinks more than that!). Part of me is sad. I feel like crying actually. My little baby is no longer a baby. He doesn’t rely on me as much. Heck he’s a toddler in my eyes. While I hated pumping, I really did enjoy nursing. I’m glad that Kash caught on and that I was able to nurse him when I was with him. I’m grateful that using a bottle during the day and then nursing at night was never a problem for him.

This post was probably inappropriate and awkward, and yeah I’m totally tooting my own horn…but I feel like I deserve to brag for a minute.  But also I’m sure there are other moms out there that can relate to the antics that sometimes occur when nursing/pumping!  Oh the things we do for our children, right?!

baby shower

And finally the reason Kash and I went to Utah...for Juli's baby shower!  Being with my best friends in Logan is one of my all time favorite things, I seriously have the best friends ever!  And I think they are the best because they are the best for me.  We all totally have the same sense of humor, have the same interest and apparently love having babies! :)  It was great to see all you girls!

new baby

Man this past week has been so busy, and I know we went to Utah a week ago but I still want to share all the stops we made.  The first stop on our trip to Utah was to see Joy and her family in Price.  We especially wanted to see the newest edition, my new little niece, Joelle (born Oct. 1st).

She was so cute, and tiny!  I still can't believe how tiny she was...this gives me hope that my next baby can be smaller than my first too! 

It was just a short over night stop but it was great to see everyone, including Marilyn and Karen who were in town.  Although Kash had a very rough night (maybe the worst one since he's been born) and a hard morning he manage to have fun that day.

Jocelyn picked out her head-to-toe PINK outfit this day! haha

portable high chair

I got an email that this cool portable highchair called the Go & Grow Chair was half off and I almost bought it (I'm a sucker for anything baby + sale).  But then I remembered I didn't really have a need for it, see I'm improving on baby impulse shopping.  I thought I would still share it because it's a clever idea and maybe one of you need it.  

motherhood

My world as I knew it has changed.  I've forgotten what it's like to not feel tired.  It takes about 20 minutes of prep time just to go to the grocery store.  The skin on my stomach looks like...well lets just say it's sick!  Bills, bills and more bills!  I've turned into a dairy cow.  I've become really good and cooking dinner, doing my make-up and cleaning all with one hand.  My lunch breaks are no longer mine as they are devoted to pumping.  I now worry non stop about a little man that I've only known for 3 months.  But I wouldn't change a thing!

When I stop and think about being a mom it overwhelms me.  I used to dream of the day when I would become a mother.  But it's so much different than I ever thought it would be.  It's one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs I've ever had.  It's hard to put into words the emotions of being a mother.  I don't know if it's because I'm now perma-tired and that makes me more emotional,but any time of the day my eyes will well up with tears at the thought and responsibility of being a mom to my perfect little boy.  I love him so much and can't even imagine my life without him.  I can be having the worst day ever and come home to my little boy looking up at me with his big eyes, he will smile at me and I will forget whatever I was previously upset about.  It's amazing how much love I have for him, more than I ever thought was possible.  But with such great love comes fear of not being the perfect mom and giving him everything he deserves. 

I was feeling guilty for not being the perfect mom a few weeks ago. My best friend emailed me this quote:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."  “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10 Elder M. Russell Ballard

I do love Kash with all my heart, him and Blaine are my first priority and according to Elder Ballard that's all that matters! So tomorrow, on my first mother's day as a mama,  I will be proud to be a daughter of God.  Proud that He has trusted me to take care of one of his children.  Proud to be a wife and have a husband that helps me to be the best mom I can be. Grateful for all the women in my life that have been great examples of strong mothers.  And grateful for my little family that makes me smile each and every day.

I'm just starting out on this journey of motherhood and I have sooo much to learn. But I hope I can give Kash and my future children a home full of love and stability.  I want my kids to feel like home is a place that they can escape from the worries of the world.  I hope I can be a good example.  I hope my children know that I will always love them and will be there for them no matter what.  

I love being a mom.  There hasn't been one day in the past three and half months that I have thought, wow it would be nice if my life could go back to the way it used to be.  Sure there are hard days,  but every single day my little boy makes me happier than I can even explain...it's a happiness that only parents get to experience, and I'm finally part of that club! 

Happy Mother's Day!  

This is my favorite picture of Kash and I.  It was the first night we had brought him home from the hospital.  I had just finished feeding him and was getting up to put him back in his crib and next thing I knew I was waking up to the flash of Blaine's camera as he captured this moment. 

stroller: 4 me: 0

Just when I thought I had this whole motherhood thing down and I felt like I was ready to venture out into the real world just me and my son, my stupid stroller had to go and ruin it! We have one of those jogger strollers that's supposed to be super awesome...so far it's super lame.

Reasons why:

1. We've had to buy 3 different bike pumps to try and pump the tires. Yes, I know this is 100% our fault and not the strollers but still annoying.

2. I tried for 10 minutes to collapse the stupid thing with no such luck (why do they have to have so many buttons that all have to be pushed at the same time. Don't they realize you probably have a crying baby in your arms??) Resulting in having to carry the car seat around a store.

3. Because #2 sucked so much I pulled the manual out and actually read how to collapse the stroller so it would fit into my trunk.

4. After having to take a break to feed Kash I was finally ready to shove this stupid stroller into the trunk and finally get out of the house after 3 weeks! Well...I tried every which way and the thing won't fit into our trunk (which is pretty big mind you). So I called Blaine practically in tears, crying how I was never going to be able to leave the house again...dramatic? Well maybe.

So three weeks into this motherhood thing and I can't even figure out how to use our super fancy, awesome, amazing/lame, totally stupid, way too big, waste of space stroller!

Instead of a fun filled day of shopping with my boy, I guess it's another day of this:

Which turns out to be perfectly fine because my days of hanging out with Kash, watching him sleep all day won't last much longer. And when I'm back at work with the stroller in my trunk (because I'm sure when Blaine gets home he'll find a way to make it fit) and baby at grandma's I'll wish I was at home watching him sleep!

a-dorable

so it's no secret that I don't have a babe of my own, but if I did he surely would be wearing these adorable "loafers" from this cute etsy shop!